The Deacon

By Stacy Halbach

In September of 2014, nearly eight months pregnant, I waddled alongside my husband, Matt, to his first diaconate formation session. Soon into that first session, we felt an immediate sense of purpose and desire to learn more. During formation, our love for Christ, for each other, and for the diaconate – in that order – deepened.

We learned this order – God, Marriage, Ministry – is vital in keeping the diaconate formation process life-giving. In viewing Holy Orders through the lens of marriage, both husbands and wives are provided with necessary boundaries that allow this process to refine and improve their marriage, family, work, and ministry. Wives can only aid in this process, especially when they understand their important role.

In the four years of deacon formation I attended alongside my husband, there were only a handful of formative experiences that explicitly spoke to the heart and role of a deacon’s wife. I wish there had been sessions that allowed deacon wives to see formation through the lens of marriage, including practical suggestions to help protect their husbands’ time, rooted in a theological view of marriage. I was aware that we wives were not preparing for Holy Orders, but we were preparing to share our husbands with the church, and proper formation for the wives of deacons could aid this process beautifully. I believe we wives, although not primarily served during the diaconate formation process, can still be nourished by the “scraps from the table” of formation in a transformative way. (Matthew 15:27)

Allow me to submit my humble thoughts to encourage the wives of deacons in formation – particularly those who don’t have formation specific to their identity and role – to grow deeper in their mission of service alongside their husbands. Although Catholic women are not ordained and, therefore, do not serve in persona Christi Servi, each and every woman has the mission of service indelibly written on her heart and body.

Male and Female, He Created Them

In the story of creation, slowly and intentionally, God brings order to the chaos, balance to the imbalance, by creating complements. The chaotic darkness was complemented by the divine light; night was complemented by day. The waters above were complemented by the waters below, then the waters were further complemented by the land. God then continued to refine his creation, ordaining time and seasons, anointing the sun to rule the day and the moon to rule the night, giving each an essential task, opposite the other, sustaining the beauty of order and complementarity. Ultimately, God concluded his creation of the world with the pinnacle of creation: man and woman. “God created man in his image, in the divine image he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

Just a few verses earlier, God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” (Genesis 1:26, emphasis mine) God is not schizophrenic. The One God who is in three Persons, created male and female in his image to reflect the divine relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This is only an analogy, but imagine an equilateral triangle. Now, imagine God the Father at the upper point with Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the lower two points. We see three unique yet related points, all helping to balance what is arguably the strongest geometric shape in existence. The human reflection of this is the inverse image: an equilateral triangle pointing down. Husband and wife, male and female, now occupy the two top points of the triangle, with the bottom point represented by the life their love creates. Humanity was created to be a reflection of the image and likeness of a triune God. The primary relationship of husband and wife within the family beautifully reflects the image and likeness of our Triune God.

In the second chapter of Genesis, man was formed out of the clay of the ground and woman was formed from man’s rib. The biological function of a rib is to protect the heart. It would make sense, then, that a part of our role as wives is to protect the hearts of our husbands. I believe one of the most important roles of wives in this process is to protect their husbands’ time and relationships. Informed by the Theology of the Body and the Sacrament of Marriage, wives must remind their husbands that they must first serve as a deacon in their marriage. When husbands and wives put one another first, they more effortlessly bring life to everything else around them, including children, work, and ministry.

Simply stated, when men and women are in complementary, life-giving relationships, they most accurately reflect the image and likeness of God. Those who are called to the Sacrament of Marriage know their spouse helps them to conform their lives more to Christ. (Romans 8:29; Ephesians 5: 21-33)

Femininity and masculinity make an ideal team. Where I am weak, my husband is strong. Where he is weak, I am strong. To use a favorite quote from the movie Rocky, “She’s got gaps, I’ve got gaps. Together, we fill gaps.” Together, man and woman most perfectly illustrate completion, consummation, giving and receiving, darkness and light. Our bodies, created intentionally, uniquely reveal an essential, undeniable truth about who we are and inform us of a framework used to build a life of knowing, loving and serving God.

Extraordinary and Ordinary

Embracing their God-given gender and sexuality, men in diaconate formation are preparing to be in persona Christi Servi, or to serve as the person of Christ. Because Jesus Christ was both human and divine, the extraordinary sacramental grace of Holy Orders is necessary for these men to serve in an extraordinary manner. Our husbands are preparing to be sacramentally ordained, set apart to serve in the person of Christ. They are called to live out their masculinity, conforming themselves to the person of Christ.

Women, by the very nature of our bodies, are naturally “ordained” to a vital role of service, taking Mary as our example. Our wombs point us ontologically toward the reception of love and fostering new life. New life would not be born into the world if not for women. Our entire being is ordained to grow, sustain, and nourish life, both biologically and spiritually. Edith Stein beautifully articulates this mission, writing, “Woman naturally seeks to embrace that which is living, personal and whole. To cherish, guard, protect, nourish and advance growth is her natural, maternal yearning.” Although I have not received the extraordinary grace of Holy Orders, I have received the ordinary yet effective grace from my role as the wife of a deacon, physical mother to my six children, and spiritual mother to many more through ministry.

Mutual Sharing in Diakonia Through Marriage

Because during the Sacrament of Marriage, “two become one flesh,” it is logical to assume that the formation of the diaconate and the ordination in Holy Orders indirectly affects the wives of deacons. (Genesis 2:24) It’s natural to conclude that the wife will indeed change in the process, orienting her life to a deeper understanding and mission of diakonia.

Even in reference to ministry, male and female maintain balance. While men prepare to be ordained to serve in an extraordinary way (proclaiming the Gospel, being a minister of the Cup, celebrating some sacraments, etc.), the wives of deacons are called to serve in an ordinary way (serving her children at home, loving her husband well and protecting his boundaries, serving others at work, teaching a bible study, etc.).

When our relationships are ordered accordingly – God, marriage, children, work, then ministry – the little time and energy we have multiplies. The grace received during prayer flows toward the mutual service of husband and wife. Children find security and comfort in their parents’ love. Energized by the family’s unity, both husbands and wives can approach work with purpose and intentionality. With a strong prayer life, secure family relationships, and successful jobs, deacons can effectively use their gifts to minister well.

When I first had children, I had to share my husband with them. Yet, because of the primacy of our marriage, when my husband loved my children, I felt loved, too. Similarly, when men choose to serve their marriage first, then children, then work, then ministry, wives can feel loved when they see their husbands serve their community.

The complementarity of marriage and Holy Orders is a relatively unexplored relationship, yet the complementarity in marriage provides both men and their wives a framework for navigating diaconate formation and post-ordination ministry. I believe marital complementarity informs wives of their role in their husband’s ministry. I look forward to drawing out an extended model of formation for deacon wives that both invites them deeper into their relationship with Christ the Servant and directs their hands and feet on how to live out their call to serve. TD

Photo Credit: iStockphoto.com/Anetta_R